It’s no secret that I have a uber successful dating history. That being the case I decided to stop being so selfish and share with you some tips and tricks to becoming a babe magnet, like myself. These are all foolproof and are used in my daily life. But do be warned, with great power comes great responsibility.
Let’s start with your appearance.
Wear sweat pants whenever possible.
**Bonus points if those sweat pants have elastic around the ankles and they are from the 1970’s
Wear a sports bra whenever possible. Nothing exudes femininity like a flat chest.
Going out for a night on the town? Don’t forget your fanny pack!
Wear Socks and sandals.
Questions to ask your suitor:
Boobs or butt?
Who of your friends/roommates would you chose to be gay with?
Do you have a car? Does your car have a name?
How do you feel about Taylor Swift?
Ask me why I ordered a Manhattan?!
Do you have a hair doll?
Are you going to make me into a skin suit?
Talk about dinosaurs as much as you can
Use words and phrases they’ve never heard before.
Sprinkle movie and TV references generously into conversations
Casually bring up intestinal gas.
Encourage them to be Facebook friends with your mom
If they look like a cartoon character or a curly llama, tell them.
If you think their major is/was stupid, tell them.
If they are being an ass hole, tell them, they probably deserve it!
Show them your “101 Ways to Make Love Without Doin’ It” pamphlet
Sing… a lot. Sing about what you’re doing, what you see, sing Disney songs, Bon Jovi, Bohemian Rhapsody, David Bowie or Dolly Parton. Just randomly sing any time you feel nervous or uncomfortable.
Talk about how often you wear sweat pants
If they ask you what you’re doing this weekend, be honest, especially if it’s lying in bed, eating ice cream and binge watching Gossip Girl… alone. This tells them “I’ve given up on having a social life, but lucky for you, I’m low-maintenance!”
If you are from Michigan, refer to your hand frequently
If you see a cute guy on a run, wink at them, subtly of course…
**Bonus points if its the wink AND the gun
If you see a cute guy on a run and they have a dog and the dog barks at you, scream like the little girl you are
When meeting all his friends for the first time, tell them that you once had a dream you gave birth to a cat
If you have duck slippers, put them on your hands and make them talk to each other
If you’ve ever gone through a phase where you thought you were a black man, let them know. This is important.
Spill drinks on yourself and your potential boo because you talk with your hands too much
If you and your friends are ever sitting around admiring how ethnically beautiful he is, let him know. Who doesn’t wanna hear that they’re beautiful?!
Give them advice on dressing up for halloween
Talk about how you and your mom text each other when you see a dog pooping.
Never hide your passion for cats… or dinosaurs
Refer to your nieces and/or nephews as you babies.
If they ask you what your “thing” is (thing meaning hobbies, interests, etc.) tell them “lying,” if you get some sort of strange enjoyment out of it. Then go on to give them examples of some of the lies you’ve told
Convince them you have a twin (^see above^)
When you are saying good-bye to them, give them a good ol’ fashion fist bump. Hugs and kisses are over-rated.
In all seriousness, never stop being your weirdo self. You may think your life is miserable without a significant other but I can guarantee you will be more miserable if you can’t even be yourself. Look at how profound I am!
P.S. I’m sure this goes without saying but I really have done all of these…
I’m starting a new segment called “Things Rich People Say.” Living in NYC on the Upper East Side, you tend to run into some people that have copious amounts of money. Here are some quotes I’ve heard that just scream: I have money!! Lots and lots of money!!
"OMG. Jessica got her first Michael Kors bag!" said a 14 year old girl in a Starbucks
"You can have my old fridge if my grandma’s housekeeper doesn’t want it"
"Look at this ballerina barbie sweetie!" -Mom "Oh come on mom! We already have one of those in the Hamptons!” - Young daughter at FAO Schwartz (This one is my personal favorite)
This last one isn’t really a quote but it’s something I read on a babysitting website and it was just so ridiculous I had to share: “Hello, I am looking for a sitter for my 5 y/o sone who can teach him how to play chess. You must be experienced in the game and able to teach a child.”
Child?! 5 is still a toddler to me. What business does a TODDLER have playing chess?! I’m 23 and I haven’t the slightest clue how to play chess (other than “Flick Chess” a game my classmates made up in 6th grade) and I turned out just fine…
I can’t wait!! All I need to figure out is where I can get it!