09 9 / 2014
This happened again recently, so I’m reblogging from myself.
09 9 / 2014
Oh hey, so I went a really long time without blogging and now I’m not in New York anymore. After a series of unforeseen events I was sent back to live with my parents in the booming metropolis of Westphalia MI. There. I said it. I was a semi-successful adult working* at one of the nations top hospitals in New York City and now I’m back in a town with more cows than people eating my parents mac and cheese in their basement. This is what dreams** are made of. And ok, I know what you’re thinking and NO I did NOT get fired, it’s just complicated ok?! And yes, I do realize that I’m being melodramatic but I just don’t care. Sorry.
*working of course meaning paying this institution copious amounts of money to essentially do the work of their full-time staff
Anyhooters, it is now my goal to pass the RD exam and make a triumphant return to New York City. I call this project “Operation BCBNY” (Bring Chelsea Back to New York).
So I’ve written a poem (I actually wrote this whole blog post last night but it got deleted because apparently bad things keep happening to good people like me!! Again, melodramatic, I know. Get over it). It’s about everything I miss about New York City and it doesn’t rhyme so if you like poems that rhyme I suggest you read a Dr. Seuss book. Without further adieu,
THINGS I MISS ABOUT NEW YORK
I miss the subways
I miss the subway advertisements
I miss the subway rats
I miss playing “Count the Subway Rats”
I miss taxi’s
I miss the noise
I miss the sirens
I miss walking from place to place
I miss crazy people
I miss annoying rich people
I miss the weirdo guy who runs around in a negligé without underpants
I miss Central Park
I miss running in Central Park
I miss the river
I miss always having something to do
I miss living with all my friends
I miss “girl talks”
I miss the annex
I miss rooftop bars
I miss Five Mile Stone
I miss my imaginary boyfriend Andy
I miss my other imaginary boyfriend John/Dan Humphrey
I miss bagels
I miss food carts
I miss bodega’s
I miss Bed, Bath, and Beyond
I miss Harlem
I miss my dear sweet little Connor
I miss shuttle rides
I miss working at a hospital
I miss Pizza Park
I miss garlic knots
I miss Trader Joe’s
I miss the frozen food section at Trader Joe’s
I miss “Cat Cookies for People”
I miss singing “I Wanna Know What Love Is” with Heather
I miss Brighton Beach
I miss being able to walk around pretending I’m Serena Van Der Woodsen
I miss the view of everything
I miss tall buildings
I miss EVERYTHING!!!
09 6 / 2014
So one of my really good friends from college became a vegan about a year ago. He’s super funny and makes youtube videos on the reg called Vegan in Detroit (he lives in Detroit). Anyway, I’m not promoting a vegan diet by any means but I AM encouraging anyone who sees this to check it out because a) he’s hilarious b) he’ll inspire you! c) he’ll teach you about new and exciting foods that just so happen to be vegan and d) cooking and preparation methods that just so happen to be vegan too!
Like I said, if you like food and like cooking and learning how to cook and prepare food you’ll enjoy his channel. Plus it’s entertaining cause he’s almost as funny as me… but not quite…
Above is the link to his episode dedicated to asparagus. I chose this one because asparagus makes your pee smell weird!
01 6 / 2014
Last week for Memorial Day, me and my posse’ decided to go to Manhattan Beach which much to my surprise is in Brooklyn. Yeah, go figure. Anyway, this was only my second time being in Brooklyn and the first time was only for a couple hours and at night. Needless to say, our adventure to Brooklyn and the beach was QUITE eventful so I’ve decided to share some short stories with you.
Because it was a day off, my friend Heather and I decided to sleep in as much as we could while our other friends, Brenda and Sharon, wanted to get to the beach at the butt crack of dawn. That being said, Heather and I had to figure out how to get to this beach by ourselves. Oh! side note, neither of us are from New York… We started off by waiting about 20 minutes to get on the wrong train (we were tired of waiting and apparently thought it was the right one. Mistakes were made ok!) We ended up getting on the right train and about an hour and a half later finally made it to our stop.
Once we were off the train, we had to get on a bus (even though we could have just as easily walked). After waiting another 20-30 minutes we get on the bus and realize we had once again gotten on the wrong bus. Well, it wasn’t the WRONG bus, it was just going in the opposite direction we needed to go. Whoops.
When we realized we were only getting farther away from our destination, we opted to get off the bus and just walk. As we were walking down the sidewalk, we see a blob on the sidewalk that from far away looks like poop. Upon closer examination we determined that yes, this was in fact poop but who’s? It was far to big to be a dogs and too small to be a horse. This poop could only be described as human poop.
The Barefoot Bathroom Goer
Alright, so me and Heather make it to the boardwalk only to find out we are still about a mile away from Manhattan Beach (we were actually at Brighton Beach for those of you who know where that is). It had been a couple hours and a couple cups of coffee/water since we last peed so we decided to empty our bladders. We find a repulsive public restroom on the beach, the kind where you don’t want to touch ANYTHING and I am not even lying when I say I saw not 1, not 2, but 3 people use that bathroom in their bare-ass-feet.
The Boob Rub Lady
So this next one Heather had the pleasure of experiencing. We are walking out of the public bathroom, wearing SHOES like normal people do and out of NO WHERE this large chested woman semi-intentionally rubs her boobies up against my dear sweet Heather!!
We continue our journey along the boardwalk and as we are walking and see this tool bag with his shirt off doing push-ups in the middle of the boardwalk for everyone to see. I’ve never wanted to throw something at a stranger so badly.
Lipstick Tat Guy
Heather and I keep walking cause believe it or not we are 2.5 hours into our trek and still not there. As we are walking down the sidewalk we pass another ass hat. He too is shirtless and has a bunch of tattoos, the most notable and distasteful was the lipstick kiss tattoo on his upper chest, just below his collarbone. To top it all off he’s on the phone and Homeboy utters these three words “Hey baby girl”
We made it to the beach finally!! We find our friends Brenda and Sharon as they are enjoying the glorious sun. Once we get settled into our little oasis in the sand a couple sets up camp in front of us. This lady is wearing the shortest, tightest white shorts and bending around in a very provocative way. If that wasn’t enough to stomach, she takes off her booty shorts and IS WEARING A THONG!!! Not a “kind of” thong, or cheeky bathing suit bottoms, it is a straight up THONG!!!! Do people actually DO that?! Then, apparently she needed help putting this tanning oil on her ass so naturally we have to watch her man-candy rub her ass in front of us! THERE WERE CHILDREN THERE!!!
"Did we have psych homework"
Once I got over the initial shock of the sexual escapades that was taking place in front of me, I decided to enjoy the sunshine, Hurricane Sandy style. As I’m getting comfortable this group of 3 boy, no older than 14 walk by. One of the little twerps looks at me and says “Hey, do we have psych homework?” And I say “What are you talking about” he says, “You’re in my psych class right? You’re that girl in my psych class.” I say,”I am 1000% percent I am not in your Psych class.” He says, “Sure you are, will you text me the homework?” I say “Listen kid, nice try, please get lost. Go. Read a book. Maybe you should spend more time studying for this supposed psych class rather than bothering women old enough to be your mother on the beach.”
The Lost Boy
Here we are, enjoying each others company when a cute little boy comes wandering over to us. Someone asks him where his mommy is and just like that the kid REALIZES he’s lost and just looses it. As he screams at the top of his lungs, people are looking around for a concerned mother but their are none to be found. THEN, the beach police pull up on their little golf cart thing and try to find his mother. All the while this poor kid is just screaming! Beach bums are making fun of him and acting annoyed and I wanted to throw sand at all of them! You would be screaming too if you wandered away from your family and saw a lady wearing a thong!
"Do we have psych homework?" Reprise
About an hour later I hear a familiar question about 10 yards away, “Hey, do we have psych homework?” I look up and see the same moron as before so I yell “Hey kid! It didn’t work on me and it’s not going to work on them, now scram!” and he so cleverly responds “Actually I’ve gotten like 6 numbers already”
"Oh wow, good for you! Seriously though, do yourself a favor and go home and read a book."
Brenda and the Faulty Subway
By the time we leave, we are famished and Heather is really craving a turkey sandwich. Brenda tells us there is a Subway nearby so we walk, even farther in the opposite direction to get to said subway, ONLY to find, it was closed. Thanks a LOT BrenDA!
All in all, it was an interesting day.
10 5 / 2014
Yes, I realize it has been quite some time since my last blog post, and I half heartedly apologize. I’m choosing not to whole heartedly apologize because I feel like if I was I would have to follow it up with “I PROMISE I’ll be better” and I just don’t know if I’m ready for that kind of commitment. Plus there are only like 15 people that actually read this.
Anyway, the hospital I work at (which I’m choosing to leave un-named for privacy purposes) gives all of it’s employees pagers
In order to send someone a page, you simply log onto our super secret hospital website, click on the pager, type the persons name in, or their pager # and write up a quick little message in 160? characters or less. The catch? Unless you write your name/phone number/pager number (which is what you’re supposed to do) it’s completely (I hope) anonymous. I decided it would be a good idea to take advantage of this anonymity and page inappropriate words, phrases and conversations to people! So my friends I present to you:
Pages From Chelsea, Let the Games Begin!
- Anal Leakage
- Sore Nipples
- Butt crack
- Butt sweat
- “I’ll take you to the candy shop/ I’ll let you lick the lollipop/ go ‘head girl don’t you stop/ keep going til you hit the spot/ woah! -50 cent”
- TO MUCH COFFEE!! I THINK I’M HAVING A HEART ATTACK
- Hey babe, I’m about to head into surgery. Can’t wait to pork ya later. Love, *Paul
- I’m really proud of the new level of creepy we reached last night. That was a special moment.
- Remember when we accidentally/on purpose looked up ambiguous genitalia last night?
- I’M SO HUNGRY! I THINK I’M GOING TO EAT MY HAND!!
- So I’m pretty sure my patient is dying right now
- Have you seen my boyfriend today? What color are his scrubs?
- Mmmm… he wears black well
BONUS!!! Page’s from other people!!!
- Oh *Cliff you’re such a dreamboat!
- Is it a chick? Because if so, she sounds WAY hotter. H$
- That’s a beautiful name…can’t wait to see it on the wedding invite. Good luck! Drop a pencil & wink coyly if you see him
- The phone rings in the middle of the night! Great way to start Wed morning. So there’s a case review at 12, can’t wait! xo Best Online Predator
- I miss *Jon-never c him anymore
- Have no fear, your PA is still here (and wearing blue today)!
- I know, we seriously could be BFFs if he wasn’t so into his job all the time. He’s kinda a nerd, I think the two of you would be perfect!
Please note, some of these have been slightly modified in order to be suitable for a broader audience
Also note that these all go to fellow interns, NOT other professional in the hospital… They I’ve thought about that too…
*name may or may not have been changed to protect individuals identity
11 3 / 2014
It’s no secret that I have a uber successful dating history. That being the case I decided to stop being so selfish and share with you some tips and tricks to becoming a babe magnet, like myself. These are all foolproof and are used in my daily life. But do be warned, with great power comes great responsibility.
Let’s start with your appearance.
Wear sweat pants whenever possible.
**Bonus points if those sweat pants have elastic around the ankles and they are from the 1970’s
Wear a sports bra whenever possible. Nothing exudes femininity like a flat chest.
Going out for a night on the town? Don’t forget your fanny pack!
Wear Socks and sandals.
Questions to ask your suitor:
Boobs or butt?
Who of your friends/roommates would you chose to be gay with?
Do you have a car? Does your car have a name?
How do you feel about Taylor Swift?
Ask me why I ordered a Manhattan?!
Do you have a hair doll?
Are you going to make me into a skin suit?
Talk about dinosaurs as much as you can
Use words and phrases they’ve never heard before.
Sprinkle movie and TV references generously into conversations
Casually bring up intestinal gas.
Encourage them to be Facebook friends with your mom
If they look like a cartoon character or a curly llama, tell them.
If you think their major is/was stupid, tell them.
If they are being an ass hole, tell them, they probably deserve it!
Show them your “101 Ways to Make Love Without Doin’ It” pamphlet
Sing… a lot. Sing about what you’re doing, what you see, sing Disney songs, Bon Jovi, Bohemian Rhapsody, David Bowie or Dolly Parton. Just randomly sing any time you feel nervous or uncomfortable.
Talk about how often you wear sweat pants
If they ask you what you’re doing this weekend, be honest, especially if it’s lying in bed, eating ice cream and binge watching Gossip Girl… alone. This tells them “I’ve given up on having a social life, but lucky for you, I’m low-maintenance!”
If you are from Michigan, refer to your hand frequently
If you see a cute guy on a run, wink at them, subtly of course…
**Bonus points if its the wink AND the gun
If you see a cute guy on a run and they have a dog and the dog barks at you, scream like the little girl you are
When meeting all his friends for the first time, tell them that you once had a dream you gave birth to a cat
If you have duck slippers, put them on your hands and make them talk to each other
If you’ve ever gone through a phase where you thought you were a black man, let them know. This is important.
Spill drinks on yourself and your potential boo because you talk with your hands too much
If you and your friends are ever sitting around admiring how ethnically beautiful he is, let him know. Who doesn’t wanna hear that they’re beautiful?!
Give them advice on dressing up for halloween
Talk about how you and your mom text each other when you see a dog pooping.
Never hide your passion for cats… or dinosaurs
Refer to your nieces and/or nephews as you babies.
If they ask you what your “thing” is (thing meaning hobbies, interests, etc.) tell them “lying,” if you get some sort of strange enjoyment out of it. Then go on to give them examples of some of the lies you’ve told
Convince them you have a twin (^see above^)
When you are saying good-bye to them, give them a good ol’ fashion fist bump. Hugs and kisses are over-rated.
In all seriousness, never stop being your weirdo self. You may think your life is miserable without a significant other but I can guarantee you will be more miserable if you can’t even be yourself. Look at how profound I am!
P.S. I’m sure this goes without saying but I really have done all of these…
10 3 / 2014
I’m starting a new segment called “Things Rich People Say.” Living in NYC on the Upper East Side, you tend to run into some people that have copious amounts of money. Here are some quotes I’ve heard that just scream: I have money!! Lots and lots of money!!
"OMG. Jessica got her first Michael Kors bag!" said a 14 year old girl in a Starbucks
"You can have my old fridge if my grandma’s housekeeper doesn’t want it"
"Look at this ballerina barbie sweetie!" -Mom "Oh come on mom! We already have one of those in the Hamptons!” - Young daughter at FAO Schwartz (This one is my personal favorite)
This last one isn’t really a quote but it’s something I read on a babysitting website and it was just so ridiculous I had to share: “Hello, I am looking for a sitter for my 5 y/o sone who can teach him how to play chess. You must be experienced in the game and able to teach a child.”
Child?! 5 is still a toddler to me. What business does a TODDLER have playing chess?! I’m 23 and I haven’t the slightest clue how to play chess (other than “Flick Chess” a game my classmates made up in 6th grade) and I turned out just fine…